An identity crisis.

An identity crisis.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I'm having a really hard time writing at the moment; in all honesty I am totally and completely lost, not only for words, but also in terms of which direction to go in next, and where I'm supposed to fit in amongst this jumble. I feel like a misfit - I'm no longer a student, but I'm not yet a graduate, I have a blog, but I certainly don't feel like a blogger - It's all quite disheartening and I feel like I lack direction in every part of my life. There's no 'set' path for me anymore and that's a scary thought because I don't feel ready to 'grow up', but I really don't have a choice in the matter. I can't really control what happens next in my career or with my relationships, but I can control this blog and how I interact with the blogging world, but let's get a few things clear first.

There's something about blogging recently that has really been bugging me, but due to my lack of creativity at the moment, I've been hesitant to let it out. I've been blogging for over four years now, and although it's a complete cliché to say this, things have really changed - and not necessarily for the better. I will not name names, and I don't want to come off as passive-aggressive, but this is seriously something that has really frustrated me lately, so I feel like I have to get it off my chest. This is not an isolated case either, I know that it has been happening a lot lately and I really have to say my mind. I've come across a few bloggers lately that have really made me question why I'm doing what I do - girls who blatantly ask the best way to get 'freebies', girls who complain that their X number of followers isn't good enough, girls who are, in my opinion, blogging for entirely the wrong reason and frankly, are tainting the world I used to know and love. 

I know that the majority of bloggers aren't like this, but it seems that the number who are continues to grow day by day, and it's really putting me off, and even though I've just passed my dream milestone of 1,000 followers (Thank you!!) I do often wonder what I'm even doing here when the game has completely changed. I'd be lying if the occasional moisturiser landing on your doorstep or a rush of new followers didn't sweeten the deal, but that's not why I'm here. 

- I'm here because life throws obstacles at us every single day. I'm honestly scared more often than not, but if I can share even one ounce of wisdom that could help the next girl trembling in line, then my fear will be worth it.

- I'm here because it's an amazing way to connect with similarly minded people from all over the world and form bonds that would never have existed without this extraordinary platform. 

- I'm here because I'm just an ordinary 22-year-old girl with big dreams and even bigger ambition who wants to connect with the world so that I can share my experiences and learn from others. 

I'd be a hypocrite if I denied ever pushing for more followers or refreshing the page a few times a day, but not because follows will earn me money or get me more samples, but because seeing a follower count climb means that people actually like to read what I have to say, and as a girl who never had many friends growing up, that gives me a sense of self-worth and assurance that people actually like me. I know that I shouldn't attach my self-esteem to a tiny number at the bottom of a web page, but the satisfaction you feel when somebody enjoys your content is a thousand times better than any free eyeliner, and that's what I feel a lot of 'new' bloggers are missing - pride in their work and a desire to do better. 

So where do I go from here? I'm still the same girl, but the world around me has changed and I don't know how to relate to the queen of freebies, the over-zealous tweeter, or the social media mavens. I don't want to know how to 'reach my full 'SEO' potential' or how to 'get all of the PR samples', I just want to blog and enjoy the journey. This blog has accompanied me throughout the last four years of my life; seen some of my highest and lowest points, and has seen me grown up a hell of a lot. I refuse to let the 'trendiness' of blogging ruin such a significant part of my life; now I just need to figure out how to navigate this unknown and treacherous terrain and hopefully make it out the other side by continuing to do what I do.

The question is, will you continue with me on this journey into the unknown? I really hope so.