When I saw this photo, it devastated me. At the beginning of my final year of university, I decided that, apart from actually graduating, the one thing I really wanted to do was look good for my ceremony and feel happy about my graduation photos. Instead, despite hitting the gym 3 times a week every goddamn week and really trying to watch what I ate, this was the result. Two words come to mind when I see this photo, and they're the two words that I fear most:
you're fat.
You guys know that I talk about pretty much anything on this blog, and I'm much the same in real life. Periods? Bring it on. Troubles with your sex life? Let's chat. Having trouble getting through a difficult period? I'll make a cuppa'. But as soon as the word 'weight' comes up, I immediately find myself shying away - mouth shut and head down, just hoping that no one asks me for my opinion or even looks in my direction. We all have our one thing, the one thing - no matter how silly or superficial it may seem - that has us running for the hills at the prospect of it being brought up. I even remember sitting in biology class cowering and pretending to write notes when studying the effects of obesity so that I didn't draw any extra attention to myself, in the hope that people wouldn't start to look over at me. Even typing this up makes me feel queasy; my weight is the only subject left that can bring me to tears or drive me to depression. It's my biggest insecurity and the one area of my life where I can never seem to make any positive changes. 

This post isn't meant to be a sob story, but to say that my appearance doesn't have a major impact on my self-esteem would be a lie. My confidence is at rock bottom, I've never been in a proper relationship, and the sad thing is that in my mind I'm normal - it's not until I see a picture like the one above that I realise how others actually see me. 

Now before you get all preachy and tell me that it's all my own fault, I know it is. But although my eating habits are to be solely blamed on me, I have also done loads of things in my time that should've shifted the weight, but never have. Like I mentioned above, I spent my final year at uni going to the gym 3 times a week (one of those with a personal trainer) and I'm generally fairly good at watching what I eat - without going overboard that is. But when you put all of your time and effort into improving yourself, on top of everything else you've got to do, and you just don't see the results, it can be painfully frustrating and can lead you to sacrifice what little progress you have made when you eventually give up. 

So what do I do? Am I destined to always be this lump of a girl? I really don't know... All I know is that I have no idea how to finish this post because I can't answer any of these questions. I just hope that one day I finally get over the hump and am able to be happy in myself - whether it's from losing a bunch of weight, building confidence in other ways, or a combination of both.

I x

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