WARNING - this post discusses depression and other mental illnesses. If this is a trigger for you, then please read ahead with caution or give this post a miss all together.
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Depression. It's something that never really leaves you, and it can truly affect anyone at any time. Throughout your life, you find different methods for dealing with it, keeping it at bay, but there's always that one trigger that would've never occurred to you.
I like to describe it as walking on eggshells - as you grow, you get better at avoiding them, some of them even disappear, yet once in a while you'll stumble, crack the shell and everything around you will shatter with it. As you learn to deal with it, whether it's through therapy, medical help or sheer will*, these incidents become less and less frequent. However, the less frequent they become, the more of a shock it it for you and anyone around you when it happens. Sometimes it's more subtle and comes on in waves. I still have a few days a month (not related to hormones) where the waters get a bit too choppy for my liking and I can very easily spiral, but most of the time it's a fairly calm emotional cycle like most other people experience.
(*I would like to stress that there isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' way to treat depression - everyone is different and whatever works for them is best.)
I have such stupid triggers - things that normal people deal with everyday. A prime example of this is the fact that I simply cannot watch sad films/TV shows. For some reason, I begin to become too attached to characters, and when something bad happens to them, it feels like I'm the one going through it. For example, I had to stop watching Grey's Anatomy years ago because my mind just couldn't handle it - each episode would send me into a dark pit of depression beyond belief that would honestly take me days to recover from. And when I say depression, I don't mean I was a bit teary - I would actually be bed-bound and would feel mentally numb. I loved that show, but it could never be good enough to make up for what it put me through, so I knew that I had to cut it out of my life, and I did.
Eggshell removed. However, some triggers aren't that easily removed, and some will never fully go away.
As we have all seen of late, depression, amongst other mental illnesses, can
kill. If you are feeling down then I beg for you to talk to someone, anyone who you feel comfortable around. I put off talking to someone for so long due to being concerned about not being taken seriously, or becoming a pain/burden to my family and friends, but bottling up all of your feelings is truly the worst thing you can do. Without going into too much detail, doing so lead me down a very dark road during my teenage years
- a road that included heavy drinking, smoking, and unfortunately, self-harm.
Depression is something that doesn't have a complete definition, it isn't fully explainable - even to those who suffer from it. As well as the 'eggshell' theory I mentioned before, I just remember
feeling numb a lot of the time during my lowest lows. Like driving on auto-pilot, just to get through and make it to tomorrow. Not really paying attention to what or who was around me, or even what was going on, but simply putting one foot in front of the other, face to the ground and trying to get by the best I could. I actually had a strange 'cycle' (if you can call it that) of depressive thoughts. I would be fine and dandy all day long, but once the sun went down and 7pm came and gone, I would just turn into a completely different person. Someone who's mind was flooded with negative, dangerous thoughts, someone who just couldn't cope. Like many others out there who have suffered, I have the years of therapy, and the mental and physical scars to prove it. As much as I hate and am ashamed to admit it, I've even had the
'why don't I just hurl myself off of the balcony and end this all' and the
'I really wish that when I go to sleep tonight I don't wake up tomorrow' thoughts far too often, and that's a really terrifying place to be in.
People may think -
'you're a well-off, intelligent girl with a great family - what could possibly cause you to be depressed?' Unfortunately it really is never as simple as that, and in my case,
I've never really known why I fell this way. Like many others, mental illnesses run in my family, and as well a having suffered quite severely from depression, I also fight a constant battle against several different types of anxiety. Now don't get me wrong - this is not a competition and I am not here to boast about how 'messed up' I am, but my point is that anyone, and I mean anyone can succumb to a mental illness, so please keep that in mind. What's more, I must stress that
mental illness in not a 'trend' - it's not a cool thing to have, and the only reason that it has become more of a 'popular' subject on social media and blogs is that people are seeing posts like this and becoming inspired to share their story, not to be part of some 'cool movement'. Trust me when I say that I would never wish depression on even my worst of enemies, so referring to it as a 'trend' and belittling it to something as temporary and insignificant as that is absolutely absurd and insulting, and I'm sure that anyone who suffers from a mental illness will completely agree with this.
I recently came across a very moving post by a woman named Megan about her personal journey with depression and anxiety. I could really relate to the entire story, but something that particularly stood out was this passage;
"I’ve been told that I need to get over it and learn to deal with life like everyone else, and that I should stop being overdramatic. You’d think it was a switch I could just turn off with the way some people talk about it. It shows just how little people understand mental illness, and that there is still an ugly stigma surrounding it." - Megan from Southern Charmed Blog. I was told to 'get over it' a lot growing up, especially from my parents as, like me, they didn't really understand what was going on. This was particularly true when it came to my crippling anxiety issues (which still hold me back to this day) as they thought it was some sort of 'phase' and that I needed to grow up. Don't get me wrong, my parents have been my main support system through all of this, and I don't know what I would have done without them, but when no one, including yourself, knows exactly what's going on, it can lead to a lot of frustration, and everyone trying to find an easy/simple answer - but it never is simple when it comes to mental health.
Like I said previously, this post has not been written so that I can be showered with pity, but so those of you secretly struggling can realise that you're not alone, and that there is a light at the end of that long, dark tunnel that you've been living in. So, no matter how hard it seems to do -
get talking. It can be to anyone - your best friend, your sibling, a counsellor or, if that's too big of a step to take straight away,
email me. Trust me when I say that I know exactly how you feel, so if you ever want to, please do send me a message at isobel@isobel-rose.com and I will help you with anything I can.
I apologise that this post is a bit all-over-the-place, but it is such a difficult topic to talk about, and I could honestly ramble on for several more blog posts about it. If you would like me to do any other posts like this, please leave me a comment below or message me. I hope I have helped even one of you gain the courage to find help, and perhaps inspired others to share their stories too. I know that when I was growing up, I felt so alone and like such a weirdo because no one I knew was ever like me, so I think it's incredibly important to spread the message that
you are not alone.
I thank each and every one of you who have read this - it really means the world to me. Blogging has given me an outlet that I never had access to before, and I have been wanting to discuss this topic for a while but have only just gathered the courage. A small shoutout to the lovely Jenny from JennyPurr for encouraging me to share my story, and I hope that I have managed to give you an insight of what it is like to suffer from depression - whether it can help you to help yourself, or be more aware of those around you and what they may be secretly living with.
Isobel x
