Snippets from a broken mind. #WorldMentalHealthDay2016

Snippets from a broken mind. #WorldMentalHealthDay2016

Monday, October 10, 2016

From time to time I come here and write exactly what's on my mind; it provides a great outlet and an odd source of therapy for me, but I've also been storing up entries so that one day I can share with you some of the fun that goes on inside the head of someone that suffers from a mental illness. I'm usually a fun, bubbly person who loves a laugh as much as the next person, but sometimes, especially late at night, my darker side creeps out and takes over and this is an example of what it's like inside my head. As with all of my other posts on this topic, this is in no way a call for help or a way to gain sympathy, but a way to open the eyes of the people out there that don't 'believe' in mental health issues, and also to offer support and guidance to those of you out there who also fight this daily battle. I'm honestly so sick and tired of mental illnesses either being treated as a stigma or as a 'trend' - why can't they just be accepted like other diseases out there? Just because they're 'invisible' doesn't mean they don't affect the human body like anything else.

The following posts were all written when I was feeling extremely low, and as I mentioned, were a form of therapy because they let me get my thoughts out and reassess them when they were laid out clearly, rather than infinitely swirling around in my head. Just remember that these were real emotions, real thoughts, so if you don't have anything constructive to add then please refrain from commenting at all. Thank you.

"My head hasn't been right recently - this feeling is extremely familiar to me, although I wish that it wasn't. I don't really have any reason to feel this way, but I guess that's how mental illnesses work - they're not logical or justified. I don't feel terribly sad per say, just a mixture of anxious, fearful, obsessive and frustrated. I say 'just', but that's a hell of a lot of feelings for one person to experience at any given time. It's not really textbook - there's no real explanation or 'slot' that this fits into, so it's hard to understand or begin to tackle. The best thing I can really do is sleep, but my mind is racing so I seem unable to - it's a vicious cycle of thinking and feeling, feeling and thinking. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to run outside and dance in the pouring rain, but more than anything, I just want a big hug and a chance to cry it out without feeling judged or stupid. Unfortunately, it's 3.52am and that isn't really an option, so I'll have to find something else to take my mind off of things for a while - at least until I can sleep. Do I watch a TV show, go and attempt to kick ass playing COD on my Xbox or simply lie here and think about how cripplingly lonely I feel, and wondering when things might start to pick up for me?"

- Wednesday 17th December 2014, 3.58am

"Pressure; pressure is all I feel right now. The pressure to finish my degree, the pressure to get a good mark, the pressure to feel like I've done everything I can to achieve said mark, the pressure to get cracking on those essays when all I want to do is crawl into a ball and hibernate. But that's only one side of it - I fell like I have a million things that I need to do at once: degree, blog, degree, job search, degree, get fit, job search, degree, blog - it's a never ending cycle. Nothing I do is right. I write a great blog post, I feel guilty for not studying; I make some headway on my essay with the help of 6 red bulls, I feel like I'm going up a dress size a minute; I go to the gym and fit in some work, and then I feel like the worst creative and blogger - like my followers are going to drop off like flies and my dream will crumble to the ground. It's just too much - too much weight on my shoulders and I feel like I'm going to trip at any second and everything is going to fall to the ground. I know that I only have 2 more months of uni left, but at this pace, I honestly don't know if I'll come out the other side as the same person, and by that I mean for the worst. I just don't know how I am supposed to be my best academically under all of this stress; it's like they're making it as hard as possible for me to do well and I'm terrified of receiving a final mark that once and for all confirms just how mediocre I am."

- Sunday 12th April 2015, 1.13am

"I woke up this morning drenched - not only were my pyjamas soaked through, but so were my sheets, my duvet and my hair. This is why I can't come off of my meds - even if I can keep my sorry mind in check during the day, there's no way to keep the nightmares that plague my sleep at bay without them. I know things are going south when I start to consider buying a bottle of wine next time I'm out. I've never been a big drinker - I had my rebellious stage when I was 14/15 and I got it out of my system pretty quickly. I'm just not a huge fan of the taste of many drinks - yeah the buzz is fun but I don't enjoy the journey, and I tend to be a sad drunk anyway. But you know things are bad when I consider drinking on my own; it's the exact opposite of myself. I only drink alone at the lowest points of my life, and it usually leads to trouble; dabbling in self-harm again, drunk texting worried friends - it's never a good idea. So for me the desire to drink solo feels like a scream for help, but I honestly don't know how to help myself at the moment. I feel completely and utterly lost and alone. Uni has come to an end, all of my friends have left, and I spend my days alone in my flat bouncing between working out and binging. Ah, the joys of graduate life that no one ever talks about..."

- Wednesday 10th June 2015, 2.50am

"Last night, after crying for a solid 12 or so hours, I was exhausted. My parents were asleep, the alarm was on and I was searching my surroundings in my mind for something sharp. Knowing that I was out of luck, I calmed myself with the fact that I was going back to Bath the next day and that I had a plethora of objects used for self-destruction. The only way to comfort myself was by thinking that in less than 24 hours I could be getting drunk and carve that 2.2 that I deserved and was defined by into my upper thigh. That 2.1 that I was aiming for was more for me than anything else - it was to finally prove to myself that I wasn't the idiot that I thought I was, but it turns out I was always right about myself. I'm useless."

- Saturday 27th June 2015, 11.50am

"The itch is real. I've just looked up how to sharpen a knife on Google knowing full well that the ones in my kitchen just metres away won't do the job. The urge is coming to me every night now, and it's becoming harder and harder to resist; it really is an addiction. You're wondering why I haven't been blogging for the last week or so? This is why - every post would turn out like this."

- Friday 6th November 2015, 2.43am


"Today, for the first time in six or so years, I questioned my entire existence. I'm not good at anything, my mind won't let me work full time, and it seems like no one wants to give me a chance to work part-time. I am stuck; immobile, desperately struggling for a reason to get out of bed every morning, because, well, I don't have one. I live alone, all of my friends are busy creating their own lives in different corners of both the country and the globe, I am apparently unemployable, and I can't seem to create anything that will ever amount to anything worthwhile. So what am I doing here? Good question; I'm starting to run out of answers, and as I see it, I've got nothing to offer."
- Sunday 15th November 2015, 12.48am