Late night musings: Vol. 1.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Whilst trying to plan for my future, I've found myself planning to plan more than anything else, which has left me with the bitter taste of unfulfillment and disappointment in my mouth. My whole life has been about making important choices, which seem to only gather in weight as I age, and I'm so scared of making the wrong choice that I've been putting off a decision altogether - simply 'being' without living.
Months have flown by without anything noteworthy happening - I’ve been set to auto pilot and although I’ve managed to stay in the air, it’s only just been by the thread of my teeth. I feel like I have no purpose, no reason to get up, no motivation to make anything of myself because I seem to have forgotten how it feels to make progress. I have been standing still for 6 months.
The sad thing is, that throughout every second of this idleness I’ve been fully aware of my position. I haven’t simply been getting on with things and not noticing my lack of direction - it’s a fact that I am painfully aware of every minute of every day. I’m not denying it, that’s not what is keeping me from moving forward, but the longer I stay stationary the more I question the point of even trying to make something happen, because I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to make things better for myself - I’ve lost hope for a better, more normal life.
It feels like in this modern world, you really have to excel at something to make it, and that’s where I’m lacking. I’m fairly average, and ‘fairly average’ isn’t special at all, ‘fairly average’ doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. Yeah, I’m decent at some things, but I don’t excel - I don’t stand out. The only thing I seem to be good at at this point is complaining about things on the internet. No one ever made a name for themselves by blending in, so maybe that’s why I’m so scared to jump into anything - my lifelong search for perfection means that I’m petrified at being average at everything I do, when all I yearn for in life it to find something I am good at, and more importantly, love doing and run with it. Being mediocre just won’t cut it for me, so the longer I put off trying anything new, the longer I can remain blissfully unaware as to how I would perform in certain situations/environments. If I constantly hide away, though, how will I ever find my true calling? Do I even have a calling? Is it something everyone has?
I just don’t want to be someone that just gets on with life - I want to make something of myself and find real joy in my daily life. How will I ever find that joy if I’m too scared to ever adventure out of my comfort zone to start looking for it…?
♥︎
Post a Comment