A big insecurity of mine...
Monday, June 23, 2014
I've never considered myself to be very pretty, I've definitely never been skinny, so my academic skills have always been my strength. Then you go to university, and you realise that everyone is as smart as, if not smarter than you and that sucks. It especially sucks if, like me your self esteem had always rested on how well you do academically, and all of the sudden you've dropped from the top to the bottom of all your classes. I happened to make friends with an amazing group of girls, all sweet and amazingly talented. But that's where it becomes difficult; you can't be mad at your friends for doing better than you, it's not their fault and they're not going to stop trying to do their best to make you feel better - that would be absurd. In fact, it's nobody's fault, but you still are affected greatly by it, and you need someone to blame for your constant shortcomings. Occasionally I would snap at my friends, but that's not really fair, so I would mostly go home and cry over the phone to my mum and spend days telling myself how stupid I am and that I will never succeed at anything. Now, I know what you're expecting. You're expecting me to tell you how I got over this insecurity, and how I've become more positive. Unfortunately I'm still not there yet. Three years after starting university and I'm still writing this with fresh tears in my eyes, having just got off of the phone with my parents on the other side of the world. I still wake up and just expect that everyone will do better at me, because that's just always how it goes, so I go into things expecting to fall short - so I usually do. Whether I'll ever get over this, I'll never know, I guess I just need to find my secret talent or something. The simpler answer would just be to accept who I am, but that's a hell of a lot easier said than done - I'm still young, only just 21 and barely an adult. These things take time, so I guess we'll just wait and see...
To any of my friends reading this, I'm sorry if I've ever snapped at you for being as amazingly intelligent and talented as you are, it's not your fault that you're all so wonderful.
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